Critics commonly get an envelope of awesomeness. The publicist/record label/artist determines your worthiness by the shiz that's sent. For example, if you get a CD and a one page intro, they are just throwing darts hoping a decent review will be posted. Intolerance records sent me an inflatable fucktoy, key chain, poster, mouse pad (who in the hell uses those anymore?) . I need a hoodie damn it, but that's a little steep to e-beg for -- especially since this is an unbiased review. ;-)

J. Shepherd gave me a ring a little while ago asking me to review his artist. I was a little off from the Vicodin that I need to take and made my stoned responses as awkward as hell. I told him that I was launching Die Music Die, but it is obvious that he already drafted everything to Ape Quake. I can't be pissed because of the bounty received. I have no fucking clue what I'll do with these items, but they're sweet nonetheless.

**WHITE RAPPER (AKA BLIZZARD MAN) ALERT**



The CD does not include an image of the artist. Sure, many black artists use a pot leaf or cash money and what not on their cover, but the 1st thing I think these days when I see an entire booklet without an image is ... white rapper. In fact, I saw only one image of the artist in all of the stuff I was sent by Intolerance Records. It was buried somewhere between the white dildo and mouse pad.  Without doing that research, his moniker is Wally Boy Wonder ... enough said.

"Day of the Rising Tide" has a lot of tracks -- 18 in all. Intolerance Records clearly loved everything he laid down and apparently wanted to make sure you get your money's worth. For me, it's a little overkill for an unfamiliar artist. Some tracks feel like filler. For example, there are a number of cuts like "Swagger" that just don't stack up. With that out of the way, there's a lot to dig here.

Wally Boy Wonder (WBW from here on out) does not like to be pigeonholed. The ditties range from campy retro-inspired dance "Wobble Bobble" (with Duma Love of the disbanded Cibo Matto) and "See Saw" to personal "Simple Life", "An Angel and St. Mark" and "Fam" to bazaar "Prehistoric" and "Zodiac". Those tracks give you a glimpse inside the curious mind of WBW.



J. Shepherd produced "Day of the Rising Tide". His beats were not consistently mind-blowing, but felt right with the content. The dance tracks were shakeable -- "Wobble Bobble" made me bounce so hard, I nearly forgot that the song's hook was "body like a soda bottle". Other tracks, were molded around the lyrics (i.e. "Prehistoric" has a raw almost untouched production). 

A final note on the "Day of the Rising Tide". I'm  a sucker for kooky pop culture references in hippity hop. WBW provides many. In one delirious song, "That Boy", he managed to recall the director and stars (Alfred Hitchcock and Jimmy Stewart + Doris Day) from the 1956 flick, "The Man Who Knew Too Much". Other references include: Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees ("Simple Life"), Van Gogh ("Zodiac") and yada yada yada. Mixing oil and water (i.e. unfamiliar shout outs with hip hop), sticks with me and will induce me to revisit.

check this artist out here at his label's site!

Artichoke .|: 26 Scientist Volume Two: Two Newton - Zeno

I'm old and lame. When I am not pushing paper, time wasters are sought. Much of it has been devoted vegging to lame TV like The History Channel. Watching biographies of dead people or re-enactments of ancient wars fills my useless information void . It also allows for procrastination of housecleaning (as a bonus, gives me a flimsy excuse for existing parasitically). Don't judge me!

Another excuse for parasitic living is Artichoke's "26 Scientist Volume Two: Two Newton - Zeno". The CD happens to be an indie pop compilation of quirky mini biographies for 12 dead scientists with an additional tune for "the unknown scientist". It manages to be somewhat informational and so enjoyable that casual listening would likely allow to bypass Artichoke's muses.

Timothy Sellers is the mad mind behind Artichoke. He wrote, performed and produced "26 Scientist Volume Two: Two Newton - Zeno". The music brews a semi-precious and lo-fi concoction of Super Furry Animals + Apples in stereo + They Might Be Giants. Just when you start to zone into his surreal dream of lo-fi deliciousness, he'll cleanse the palate with aural acid (yeah, there are moments that he'll throw in something intentionally unlistenable -- bastard).

I keep listening because of my masochistic nature allows me to enjoy being bitch-slapped every once in awhile. Many of you, I am convinced, understand my hunched-over position too. Tolerating those pieces gives you a sense of entitlement and prevents it from being universally loved -- like you've earned the opportunity to enjoy yourself.

Although the disc has an obvious lyrical theme, it plays with multiple personalities. Timothy's 1st four tracks reel you in and peak with his catchiest song, "Young, Thomas (1773-1829)." Each cut is so engaging, you can't help to listen to what else Artichoke has in its bud. "26 Scientist Volume Two: Two Newton - Zeno" following four tracks feeds paisley through the fog machine, but finally comes to terms with each side of its personality with the final six tracks.

Artichoke is not for everyone, but many would enjoy its delirious mood, oddball theme and frugal production.

check this band out here!

The Surf Zombies .|: Something Weird

There are only so many times you can go to YouTube to check out live footage of Olivia Newton-John lypsynching, "Magic". In my case it was 47. I was absolutely mesmerized. The song is a melodious monster. Her dancing is sexy as a white girl can be and she IS the prettiest singer of all time. Name a cuter one and I will cut you. I'm not messing.

At about play #45, I wanted to make an evolutionary "Magic" video that tracked her performances of the song from its 1980 inception thru 2009. I stole the flash files and got my editor warmed up. At #47, I asked myself, "What the hell is wrong with you?"



15 years ago, I would kicked my own ass if that version seen this beaten down wuss that I've become. It was then that I realized that I needed a creative outlet. If ass bleeding was creative, it would be an evolutionary video of "Magic", though. Maybe ass bleeding is the wrong selection for creating a delicious creative adventure.

Wiping away from ass bleed, I found The Surf Zombies submission hovering over the ledge above my toilet. I popped it in. Without reading the booklet or paperwork, I thought, "Damn, this sounds like Dick Dale." You know, the instrumental music that saturates the "Pulp Fiction" soundtrack. It's nasty.

"Something Weird" is a collection of bad ass original guitar-oriented instrumentals that stand up to anything heard from the aforementioned legend. There is a darker vibe on some of the tracks that recall Joey Santiago's Pixies heyday. Believe me, the vibe of this is fun and would play incredible at an old hipster club or in the background of an active adventure.

As a CD though, its 21 tracks of similar sounding jaunts tire. There are no vocals (outside of a cliched counting intro) and only slight tempo variations. A few of the cuts start to venture a little to the surreal, but did not go far enough -- I could see something beautiful (like Olivia Newton-John) on the horizon, but The Surf Zombies dropped me off on the wrong side of the canyon.



If you are itching for a fix of surf rock ... check this band out here!

Music Curmudgeon Info and FAQ

I have written music reviews for nearly 10 years. My alleged talents contributed to numerous music review sites including my own. I was so involved at one point that I had an intervention from my family (seriously). Fortunately, they have their own stuff going on and I have nothing but time.

I am old. I do not listen to the radio and believe that most modern music is disastrous. Record companies have successfully sold to the public that bastardized autotuned pop or retarded new school hip hop is cool. Lyrics are intentionally dim-witted and beats are generic. Thinking about it made me just threw up in my mouth a little.

This means I am out of touch. I stopped reviewing music because I realized this problem. However, I need a creative outlet.

What this means to you ...
If you receive a positive review, you have a very good chance of being unsuccessful.

If you receive a negative review, you still have a very good chance of being unsuccessful, but can point out that I am admittedly out of touch.

CD Submission Info ...
Die Music Die
918 Lake Court
Madison, WI 53715

Readers ...
There will be no rhyme or reason to my publishing. Sometimes, I may publish frequently or nothing for a month or a year. Sorry.

Record Companies...
I despise many of you. You have sent many artists for me to get reviewed from my old site. On my old site, I made certain that every artist that submits music to me may get featured on an "original" video for You Tube. My You Tube account nearly got suspended because you claimed that I had no permission to publish the music or images. You lie.

If you play fair and do not piss me off, I may write a review for your artist.

Publicists...
You annoy me. I do not like being hassled to confirm whether a CD arrived. It probably did. If it inspires me somehow, I will post the review. If not, it's going in the recycling bin.

Services:
One Sheet / Press Release: $75+
Publicity Video: $200+

I have written press releases and edited videos for a number of artists. Before I created publicity videos, I had created many You Tube features. Because of a number of silly record companies, I will not post to You Tube any longer. Send me an email and we will talk about it some more.

Many one sheets are generic and a turn off to the normal review. They read as cut and paste + auto text. I will not auto text your one sheet or press release. I know how much this means to you.

If you pay for one of these services, I will not write a review for the artist. For integrity purposes (don't laugh), it's just impractical.
For your publicity video, I will help you get an internet presence for your band's You Tube page or whatever page you want it posted to. Using your music, images and video as my muse, your video be given the treatment tailored to you.



References:
My Former Blog ...